I was surfing the internet because I was so bored. I’m so bored with life. It’s such an extravagant, vulgar thing to say. Bored with life. Life is so precious but I’m bored. So I surfed and I usually waste my time on Youtube watching trailers and make-up gurus. I read blogs. My indulgence are fashion blogs because I never really end up buying stuff or improving my wardrobe, I’m just chismosa. I just want to see what’s happening in other people’s lives because I have nothing better to do. Of course I do…(have??) I have a million tasks to do that a responsible person would do like thank a referree, manage my finances, reconnect with friends and co-workers, and get my life together. But my default mode is whatever. And then I notice that when I blog, I sound like everybody else. Like I use the same phrases or expressions. Like…. you know.
And then I feel guilty for wasting my time which makes me even guiltier. Then I think of how I have been spending these years in North America becoming “stupid”. Ironically, my English has de…see I can’t even remember the words! My English has deteriorated! I had to keep checking Google for antonyms and synonyms for this entry alone. Many times I worry if my brain is just rusting away. You know that saying that people really stop living at 25? There’s no more growth and it’s just a flat line. Of course I sound like an ingrate. There’s so many opportunities for growth but when you’re in that slump, it’s like you’ve got blinders on. Either you don’t see the opportunity or you take it on but end up not having the energy nor drive to see it through. And then you are bored. I am bored.
The plus side is, I’m not this kid in her early twenties trying to become a yoga babe or the fierce careerist ready to take on the corporate ladder. I’m just way over that. It’s like everytime I see these people, I see right through them. We are all trying to be somebody and it’s super exhausting. So now I’m this (let’s use this overused term jaded) cynical person who’s content with my kdramas and whatever food I can scrounge in my kitchen – cup noodles?
Was that boring? Depressing? Don’t worry. Occassionally I try to coax out that insecure early-twenties girl in me. Insecure, young but so full of bull-headed determination. I’m guessing now is the time to learn and find that balance of “stubborness” (someone give me the right noun, I can’t English) and contentment. Idealism tempered with “so this is what you want. This is reality. This is how you can get what you want. This is what you have to give up to get what you want. Girl, stop being an ungrateful little…”
Hmmm. Okay I’m relieved. I think I just had a conversation with my ego. Blogging can be therapeutic even if I sound like everybody else. Ok thanks, bye.